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Nothing is By Default....

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After much tot.. i felt tat i shd deleted the previous post! is nothing negative about deleting the post... juz realize life ain't tat simple as it is.

I was pulled down to reality tat there is nothing by default... and sadly, there is no by default a happy fairytale ending!! happiness is not by default! it is smthing tat need to be worked hard for.. no matter is a couple's happines or self happiness.. all needs time and patience.

today made me realize how much words can fail me!! and how overactive my imagination can be!! always thinkin n concludin things tat din happen.. tink this trait of mine killed me!!

Maybe i worry too much... maybe i fear too much... maybe i shd have been more honest... There is so many maybe tat i simply juz wanna ignore all these MAYBE(s)!

what is going thru his head is smting i might not like!! it could also be smting tat i'm tired about! i am not blamin anyone... and i am also not blamin myself! i am juz wondering... and prayin tat i could have been more observant and understanding to him!

He asked me whether i could even rem what were the tings we did tog! i rem... but is it pointless to say! perhaps to me at tat moment is pointless ba coz the whole discussion is not about remembering events or items.

Yes i noe is a critical time. yes i noe is such a wrong move to pull such a stunt!! yes i know about lots of things and yet i still go do it. tink tat is want tat hurts him most ba... no more excuses le... at least no more excuses from me...

the chance is given and i had mis-used it... i shall live wif tat. consequences i shall bear even if it kills... and squeeze the life out of me!

juz now... as i was standin there...in front of him... i realized i am no longer the ger who wants to argued her way out of things... i din wan to push on... no tears when we parted... juz tots to myself... a moment of silence to myself...

i realize i am becoming more n more like him each day... someone dear to me and i will always remember... it dawn on me tat i am not living each day remembering him but i am living each passing day like him... silence was his best fren.. perhaps one day it shall be mine.

he is someone tat i took pride in... coz he had nv let me down...

behind tat steerin wheel.. on tat driver's seat... i finally can see myself in him..... :)